Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Jenson

Jenson, 2 days old






5 weeks old

I do not wait patiently for death. Living in Zambia over the years has taught me patience beyond what I thought myself capable of before. But when it comes to waiting for a baby to die, I cannot make myself be patient. In fact, I rage against this wait. I find myself getting angrier and angrier as I watch a life we love gasp for breath and fight to live. I find myself hoping in the back of my heart somewhere that I'll stop feeling the familiar rise and fall of her chest in my arms because that would mean she is free. I hope you won’t find me awful for not pulling for life right up until the last breath, but I can't seem to do that anymore. Instead, I find myself pulling for heaven, the blessing received at the end of a perfectly innocent life. I find myself pulling for a whole body and a mother and child reunited. I find myself smiling picturing this fragile, broken body sitting soon on the lap of Jesus, singing praises as we were created to do.

It's not that I'm not sad. I don't think any of us who hold death so closely could even begin to describe the depth of emotion that goes way beyond sadness. But there is just such a fierce desire in those waiting moments to see God do what He does best. Create beauty from ashes. Restore the broken. Bring life where once there was death. Sometimes that restoration, that healing, comes only through dying.

I took our baby girl home from the hospital to my house after the doctors said there was nothing else to do but wait. So for two days we waited. And we prayed. And we sang. And we loved.

In the wee hours of the morning this morning, as I sang her the lyrics of Everlasting through choked-back tears, Jenson stopped breathing and the wait was over. I’m grateful for her and where she is now, but I’m so, so broken.

6 comments:

  1. Your post makes me cry. I cry for little Jenson and that she was born to suffer and die. I cry for the sadness and pain you must feel holding her little fragile body and waiting for her death. Thank you so much that you were there and sang for her when she died. Thank you that during her short life she was not alone but held, loved, prayed for and cared for. Thank you that you are where you are and do what you do! I pray that Jesus' love would continue to flow through you into the souls of these little ones. And I pray that Jesus would comfort your sorrow and give you strength to bear the unbearable.

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    1. I truly could not say this any better than Familie Stuve.

      Jenson felt and heard your love .... as you held her close, she felt your heartbeat. As you sang to her through your tears, she heard your love. I am humbled by your dedication to these beautiful souls.
      Cathy, Waxhaw, NC

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  2. You are not an awful person! I completely understand your thought process and anger of waiting for one's sad and painful life to end and their wonderful life with Jesus to begin! When I heard through the grapevine of Aumbi's heart condition without details, I started to feel this way because Mrs. Merritt was unsure whether or not they would be able to raise enough money for another heart transplant, after a not so happy ending with a similar situation before. It makes me feel rather guilty for feeling this way. I only want these precious angels to go be healthy and happy, and that may only be possible in God's kingdom. Thank you Meagan for all that you do for those babies! Hug and kiss Aumbi and Joel for me!

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  3. Meagan,

    Thinking about you often and praying for your comfort and heavenly guidance!

    Love and Prayers, Elaine

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  4. So thankful she was held, loved and sang to as she passed from this life to the true LIFE we were born to LIVE. What a beautiful thought knowing so many of Haven's babies sit on the knees of our Lord Jesus.
    Love you Meagan and praying for you all daily!
    Donna D.

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  5. Praying for you, Meagan! I am so, so sorry for Jenson's loss. Caleb prays for your babies every single day, and has recently specifically prayed for Helen, Jenson, and Owen! We had a talk with him tonight about how God sometimes answers our prayers differently than what we think He should...and that Baby Jenson is in Heaven with Him now. It breaks my heart at the losses you are experiencing. Thank you for loving on those sweet babies in their times of need!

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