Thankfully, He let me walk blindly, a bit naively, into a life that would change me forever. He led me where I could not have gone alone, and He held my hand through days I thought I'd never get through. He gave me my babies, He gave me the aunties, He gave me a purpose. He gave me the talents and temperment and heart that I would need to love these babies, to call another country my home, to walk away from the best family any girl has ever been born into. Because of what He's shown me there, I can't not go. My babies are waiting there for me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I'm in this strange period of time right now. People are asking if I'm excited, and I don't know how to honestly answer that question. This is not really the time for excitement, I guess. This is a season of goodbyes, of grief, of letting go. And while I don't for a second doubt that I must go, I do feel every second the weight of what's happening. When I moved to Zambia last time, it was supposed to be for two years. Looking back, I had no idea what I was getting into. I had no idea what all would come to pass in the two-years-turned-nearly-four. Had I known, maybe I wouldn't have signed up for it. I wasn't aware how painful it would really be to leave all those I loved behind. I was clueless as to how difficult living cross-culturally can be. My eyes had not yet been truly opened to the kinds of poverty and sickness I would quickly become intimate with. No one had told me of the lives I would love and lose. And I most definitely didn't know what it would feel like to be halfway around the world hearing that my niece was going to die. If God had laid all that out for me before I ever left, perhaps I would have thought twice.
So going back feels different this time. I'm not going into it blindly or naively. I'm counting the cost. I'm making a conscious decision to choose this road, even when I know what all it may bring this time. It will no doubt bring seasons of heartache and loneliness, but it will no doubt bring life and joy and purpose. How can I not follow again when He so faithfully led me before?